Sports Jokes - Funny Joke
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday,
August 12, 1994
In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson
coverage or for those who might for some
reason not know, the major league baseball
player strike began today.]
No team flights on Continental Airlines.
Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive
Make it legal to cork their pants.
Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
No more reports from that old guy up at
Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports
tonight from Calvert]
Two words: Streisand tickets.
Every team has to have at least one player
Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
More games against the Mets.
Supplemental Rules for
If you holler "overs!" before the ball
passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball
over, unless of course, you get a strike. In
which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the
8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule
"First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game",
and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4
strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next
4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to
strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied
together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you
can't make the spare, but another member of
your team can, invoke the "Designated
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may
say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over.
However, if you split on the 2nd time
around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps
back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by
golly, you get them! That's much harder than
to knock them down the conventional way.
Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl
3 games without a strike. It shall be the
owners privilege to decide on the
disposition of said dead ball - Burial at
Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live
volcano, or a simple burial in the city
dump. For a small fee, a league officer can
be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear
a small voice inside you that says: "Just
because you've reached middle age, that
doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new
challenges and seek new adventures. You get
only one ride on this crazy carousel we call
life, and by golly you should make the most
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain
in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a
result my body feels as though it has been
used as a trampoline by the Budweiser
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet.
"I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil
tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason,
such as a will to live, do not participate
in downhill winter sports, I should explain
that snowboarding is an activity that is
popular with people who do not feel that
regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless
people, people with 100 percent synthetic
bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at
50 miles per hour and knock down mature
trees with their faces and then spring to
their feet and go, "Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try
snowboarding, and I thought it would be good
to learn with him, because we can no longer
We have a fundamental difference in
technique: He skis via the Downhill Method,
in which you ski down the hill; whereas I
ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which
you stand sideways on the hill, looking as
athletic as possible without actually moving
muscles (this could cause you to start
sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm
just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice
that suggests that at any moment you're
going to swoop rapidly down the slope;
whereas in fact you're planning to stay
right where you are, rigid as a statue,
until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone
home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up
there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing
on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at
snowboarding, which is quite different from
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or
approximately one per foot, so you can sort
of maintain your balance by moving your
feet, plus you have poles that you can stab
people with if they make fun of you at close
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is
one board, which is shaped like a giant
tongue depressor and manufactured by the
Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both
of your feet are strapped firmly to this
board, so that if you start to fall, you
can't stick a foot out and catch yourself.
You crash to the ground like a tree and lie
there while skiers swoop past and
deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a
generational thing. Skiers are (and here I
am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans
wearing designer space suits; snowboarders
are defiant young rebels wearing
deliberately drab clothing that is baggy
enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major
appliance. Skiers like to glide down the
slopes in a series of graceful arcs;
snowboarders like to attack the mountain,
slashing, spinning, tumbling, going
backward, blasting through snowdrifts,
leaping off cliffs, getting their noses
pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace;
snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small
group led by a friend of mine named Brad
Pearson, who also once talked me into
jumping from a tall tree while attached only
to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered
ideal snow conditions for the novice who's
going to fall a lot: Approximately seven
flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick
base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a
jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that
you COULD dent it with the back of your
We learned snowboarding via a two step
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem
with Step Two was that you had to stand up
on your snowboard, which turns out to be a
violation of at least five important laws of
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering
there and then the Physics Police would drop
a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my
body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes
bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell,
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're
trying to learn, some earnest person is
always telling you to keep your knees bent?
As if that would solve anything. I wanted to
shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something
About these Gravity Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at
all. None. In minutes he was cruising
happily down the mountain; you could
actually see his clothing getting baggier.
I, on the other hand, spent most of my time
lying on my back, groaning, while
space-suited Republicans swooped past and
sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have
completely covered me; I now realize that
the small hills you see on ski slopes are
formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who
tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back
to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out
on the slopes, catching my breath. Please
throw me some food.
for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any
experienced Judo teacher should have already
learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping
with the mats.
Standing at the corner of the dojo
pretending to be observing the students as
they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning
student unexpectedly survives a dangerous
body slam without injury.
A hopeful posture used when uke has been
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student
wins a tournament or performs a technique
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the
student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
Using an hour of class time to answer the
stupid question while students sit on their
knees in seiza.
Offering to lighten the student's wallet to
reduce the risk of confrontation.
Failing to ask for enough money to keep the
Must be able to walk on water (while it is
in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a
Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to make up meaningless Zen
koans on the spot.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja
movie warriors after they disclose their
evil plans to you and leave you to die in an
easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie
properly (i.e. coordination between the
movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the
chest of course but maybe in the foot or
Must be able to make your own nuclear device
with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some
coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a judogi in a
phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage
(e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones
at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win
(against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic
Must be able to choreograph street fights
for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a
reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a
bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
Laughing at any time will disqualify the
potential 11th dan. If a member of the
Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment
and then waits expectantly, it may be an
indication that he has just made a joke. A
half-smile may be tried at this time, but in
no other instance.
Top Ten Signs
you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday,
February 20, 1995
You recognize batter as the kid who sold you
a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
Everytime a player slides into second, he
busts his hip.
They keep shouting "Do over!"
When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks
at him as if the dude's speaking French.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch
themselves like professionals.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
Game stops when some lady in a house near
the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
Players constantly adjusting each other's
You overheard the coach yelling, "Run,
They play like the Mets
of Martial Arts
Ten scientific principles that apply to the
study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the
eliminations on luck alone will suddenly
turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against
The referee will always be looking the other
way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to
class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during
demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in
self-defense, your attacker's father will be
After a flawless demonstration, you will
trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single
injury, you will pull a groin muscle the
night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only
other person will have the locker right next
No matter how many times you take care of it
before your promotion exam, you will
invariably have to go to the bathroom when
it's your turn.