Redneck Jokes - Funny Joke
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk,
they get drunk and ride with them.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a
sheep under each arm?
You know you're a redneck when your stair
master has an ashtray!
A Redneck Retaliation
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks
with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry
redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and
yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started
apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him
and said, " You stay outta this, I''m
talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
Ba Ba Black Sheep
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the
road and showed Jed where he'd first had
"It was right down there
by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It
was a warm summer day. She and I were so
much in love. We walked down to the tree and
made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful,"
"Yes. It was okay until I
looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her
mother say when she saw you making love to
Top 10 Reasons to Know
You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales,
livestock auctions, customer appreciation
suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the
backyard with a garden hose before your wife
would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate,
seed population, herbicide rate and yields
on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but
cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as
7. You have driven off the road while
examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county
road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a
10. You've used the same knife to make bull
calves steers and peel apples.
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a
persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound
2. Which of the following cars will rust out
the quickest when placed on blocks in your
front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69
Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that
operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of
shine per hour, how many car radiators are
necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that
operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the
pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470
per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The
average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the
5. If every old refrigerator in the state
vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what
would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine
on 24-inch centers with a field rock
foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch
length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch
rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.
The man has 5 children. Can each of the
children place a mobile home on the man's
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and
proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary
road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads,
how many people will swerve to avoid the
truck before it crashes at the bottom of the
mountain? For extra credit, how many of the
vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1,
Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs
120 miners per shift. A gas warning is
issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before
cattle develop two legs shorter than the
others because of grazing along a
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a
skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party
Digital - The art of counting on your
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it
breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call
your week-old underwear.
Tasties in a Half Shell
Q: Why did God invent armadillos?
A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides
of his pickup truck.