Jokes - Funny Joke
A couple goes
out to dinner to celebrate their 50th
wedding anniversary. On the way home, she
notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's
getting sentimental because they're
celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He
replies, "No, I was thinking about the time
before we got married. Your father
threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd
have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I
didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a
How old are
walked up to a little old man rocking in a
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you
look," she said. "What's your secret for a
long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a
week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old
"Twenty-six," he said.
farmer in preparation for selling his land,
needed to rid his farm of animals. So he
went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses where the woman
is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw
a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss
around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse,"
the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
widow and widower were dating for about five
years. The man finally decided to ask her to
marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't
remember what her answer was! "Was she
happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at
After about an hour of trying to remember to
no avail, he got on the telephone and gave
her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he
didn't remember her answer to the marriage
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I
remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I
couldn't remember who it was."
What was its
couples were enjoying friendly conversation
when one of the men asked the other, "Fred,
how was the memory clinic you went to last
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us
all the latest psychological
made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but
Then a smile broke across his face and he
asked, "What do you call that flower with
the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. .
."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Do you know
A small town
prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand in a trial--a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a
young boy. And frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think
you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what
else to do he pointed across the room and
asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've
known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he,too, has been a real disappointment
to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom
to silence and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she
knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt
within 5 minutes!"
officers saw this old woman staggering down
the street, stopping her they can tell she
has had far too much to drink and instead of
taking her to jail they decide to just drive
her home. They loaded her into the police
cruiser one of the officers gets in the back
with the drunk woman. As they drove through
the streets they kept asking the woman where
she lived, all she would say as she stroked
the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They
drove awhile longer and asked again, again
the same response as she stroked his arm
"Your Passionate". The officers were getting
a little upset so they stopped the car and
said to the woman, Look we have driven
around this City for two hours and you still
haven't told us where you live. She replied
I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
This 85 year
old couple, having been married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had
been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food,
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their mansion which was
decked out with a beautiful kitchen and
master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed
and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is
Next they went out back to survey the
championship golf course that the home
backed up to. They would have golfing
privileges everyday and each week the course
changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for
Next they went to the club house and saw the
lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of
the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven,
it is free!" Peter replied with some
"Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you
can eat as much as you like of whatever you
like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of
anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on
it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife
both tried to calm him down, asking him what
The old man looked at his wife and said,
"This is all your fault. If it weren't for
your blasted bran muffins, I could have been
here ten years ago!"
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