Misc Jokes - Funny Joke

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Feel Better

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
 

Signs That You're Broke

At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Clever Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Coffee Addiction

You know you are addicted to coffee if

-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

-You sleep with your eyes open.

-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

-You chew on other people's fingernails.

-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

-You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

-You can jump-start your car without cables.

-You don't sweat, you percolate.

-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

-People get dizzy just watching you.

-Instant coffee takes too long.

-You channel surf faster without a remote.

-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

-You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

-You short out motion detectors.

-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

-You help your dog chase its tail.

-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

-You ski uphill.

-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

-You answer the door before people knock.

-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

A Prayer Before Dying

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
 

Books for College

A Polish student was in his the college
campus bookstore.

Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."

"Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."

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