Animal Jokes - Funny Joke
I'll use my
seeing eye dog
man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks
into a grocery store. The man walks to the
middle of the store, picks up the dog by the
tail, and starts swinging the dog around in
circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this,
thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides
to find out what's going on. The store
manager approaches the blind man swinging
the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just
He is a very
to the cinema the other day and in the front
row was an old man and with him was his dog.
It was a sad funny kind of film, you know
the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his
eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog
laughed its head off. This happened all the
way through the film. After the film had
ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I
said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is.
He hated the book."
A game of
animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an
idea. "I know a really exciting game that
the humans play called football. I've seen
it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of
the animals and they all got excited about
it so they decided to play. They went out to
the field and chose up teams and were ready
The lion's team received. They were able to
get two first downs and then had to punt.
The mule punted and the rhino was back deep
for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered
his head and charged. First, he crushed a
roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a
wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke
through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker,
and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team
scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the
extra point. The lion's team led at halftime
7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've
got the lead and they only have one real
threat. We've got to keep the ball away from
the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you
kick off be sure to keep it away from the
The second half began. Just as the mule was
about to kick off, the rhino's team changed
formation and the ball went directly to the
rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his
head and was off running. First, he stomped
two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and
bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It
looked like he was home free. Suddenly at
the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.
There were no other animals in sight
anywhere near him. The lion went over to see
what had happened. Right next to the dead
rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during
the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is
up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
are about to go flying
morons stand on a cliff with their arms
outstretched. One has some budgies lined up
on each arm, the other has parrots lined up
on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap
off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care
at the hospital, one moron says to the
other, "I don't think much of this budgie
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too
keen on this paragliding either."
is out looking for a pet, and so she's
trying the local pet shops. She walks into a
small pet shop and explains her need to the
attendant. He thinks for a moment and then
says, "I've got just the thing for you
madam. I'll just get him."
With that, he disappears into the back of
the shop, and returns a few seconds later
with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a
special dog," he tells her. "It is able to
fly," he explains, and with that throws the
dog into the air. It immediately begins to
float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however.
Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever
you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The
lady watches in astonishment as the dog
zooms over to the shop attendant and
furiously devours an apple he has produced
from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him,"
she says, and a few minutes later she is on
her way back home with dog to show her
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought
today!" she exclaims when she gets back
home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then
remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"
was expecting the plumber; he was supposed
to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and
went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve
o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out
to do some errands. While she was out, the
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot,
who was at home in a cage by the door, said,
"Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who
is it?" and waited for her to come and let
him in. When this didn't happen he knocked
again, and again the parrot said, "Who is
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to
let him in. He knocked again, and again the
parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come;
again he knocked; again the parrot said,
"Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he
said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door
in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered
a heart attack and he fell dead in the
The lady came home from her errands, only to
see the door ripped off its hinges and a
corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!"
she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
order to punish your cat for poor behavior,
here are a list of items that the cat may
write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper,
human's homework, photographs, shoes,
sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical
cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers,
my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish
toy my human drags around for me to play
with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly;
used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my
human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at
night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my
human's boss's leg, the new speakers,
wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping
human, human's tax return, the tax auditor,
TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining
room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my
Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi
daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains,
redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants,
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy
toilet seat, house plant, human's toes,
baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food,
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove,
sink, the crystal bowl from the people's
wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer,
the inside of the antique radio, the car,
the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the
newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet
paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes;
my human's penis (see "Robin Williams, Live
at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the
produce ripening on the kitchen counter;
Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food,
whether wrapped in something or not; the
sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow
white lace garter from her wedding with the
beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine,
dryer, dishwasher, garage.
buys a parrot
preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or
swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,"
the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When
you pull the right one, he recites the
lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left
he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what
happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!"
screeched the parrot.
A burglar is
in big trouble
burglar has just made it into the house he's
intending ransacking, and he's looking
around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden,
a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and
so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room.
No one there at all, so he goes back to his
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer
look around the room. Over in the corner by
the window, almost obscured by curtains, is
a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up
again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but
Jesus is a rottweiler!"