| |
Animal Jokes - Funny Joke
Page 2
Next Page>
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
Rules for
Cats Who Have to Run a House
Compiled
by Harold Reynolds and updated on December
6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for
the busy cat(s) who will have a house to
manage after adopting one or more humans. It
is, of course, impossible to cover all
possible situations, as those humans are
always up to some sort of mischief, but the
compiler and contributors to this guide have
endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of
topics as possible. It is important that
this document be kept out of the hands of
humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to
use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play,
and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however,
is only half the fun. The other half is
getting the food. Cats have two ways to
obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed now; and
hunting for it oneself. The following are
some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you
leave the tip of your tail in their dishes
when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you
can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a
human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) The best times to inform humans of your
dish's emptiness are when they are unable to
ignore you, such as when they are sleeping
or on the toilet. If you insist on waking a
human at what it considers a "ridiculously
early hour" for breakfast, be warned that
the human may be as likely to throw you
outside or in the basement as to feed you.
e) Should you catch something of your own
outside, it is only polite to attempt to get
to know it. Be insistent; your food will
usually not be so polite and try to leave.
If you can't be bothered to eat the food
you've just caught, be considerate and don't
waste it; it makes a perfect gift for
humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to
the human's house and, if the door is
closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the
door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take
it inside and leave it somewhere highly
visible. The gift will be even more welcome
if it is still alive! Live birds and mice
make the best gifts as humans love a good
game of chase just as much as you do,
although be careful not to help them; it's
their gift after all.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which
the humans are unfortunately unwilling to
readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a
cat to beg outright for food as lower forms
of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the
humans don't forget you exist. These
include, but are not limited to: jumping
onto the lap of the "softest" human and
purring loudly; lying down in the doorway
between the dining room and the kitchen, the
Direct Stare, and twining around people's
legs as they sit and eat while meowing
plaintively.
g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for
both cats and humans. Whenever a human sets
a cup of coffee on the floor within your
reach, s/he is showing you great respect and
worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until
cool (you may even put your paw in it to
make sure the temperature is just right) and
then daintily drink it.
h) Occasionally there will be disagreements
over what you and the humans will deem as
edible. The appropriate action, should the
stuff in question be too repulsive to
ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor
and try to drag over objects to cover the
offending item. This informs the ignorant
human that it really belongs in the litter
box.
2.1 Catnip
Most cats think that this strange-looking
plant is Food of the Gods and better even
than tuna. There are some, however, who are
sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this
wonderful treat and will look upon the
others with a mixture of confusion and
disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of
those partaking. If you are one of the
latter, please skip to the next section.
Catnip is available in two forms, in the
wild as an odd-looking plant that grows in
delightfully fragrant, though often rather
flattened, patches, and from the humans in a
concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the
humans know of our weakness for catnip and
will try to hold it out from us, often
employing some very ingenious methods to do
so. If the humans are careless enough to
leave any catnip within reach, it is
imperative to get it no matter what you have
to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans
will use it to attempt to coerce us to do
things which would otherwise be beneath us.
The greatest hazard of catnip is that it
causes those cats under its influence to
utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around
foolishly, purr at maximum volume, tear
around the house at top speed, and do other
things no sane cat would be caught doing. Do
attempt to control yourself, especially if
your humans have a "video camera" and are
prone to using it.
3. Water
Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be
really great if it wasn't so wet! Dripping
taps are the best sources of fresh water in
the whole house. Toilets are the next best
(but the water inside must be colorless and
contain nothing!) Therefore it is imperative
that any sound of running water be
immediately investigated in case a free
drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the
best place to lurk in the bathroom when a
human is present. A plaintive meow or two
and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet
usually will get most humans to turn on the
tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed,
demand entry noisily (see Doors). The water
dish is to be used only as a last resort in
case the humans leave the toilet lid down
and the tub and sink are dry.
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed
glassful of liquid, immediately stick your
face into the glass. If the opening is too
narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl
it around, and give it the taste test. You
may be pleasantly surprised to find beer or
even milk! In any case, if the liquid is
good, continue to sample, but only while
your human is distracted. Some of the best
water is ornamented with those cold, hard
buoyant cubes that bob up and down in the
liquid when pressed lightly. If your human
protests, lick the condensation on the
outside of the glass.
4. Sleeping
As mentioned above, in order to have enough
energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of
sleep. It is generally not difficult to find
a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a
human likes to sit is good, especially if it
contrasts with your fur colour. If it's in a
sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator,
so much the better. Of course, good places
also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and
dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a
good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans;
if the cat is sharing a bed with two humans,
the well skilled cat can cause one of the
humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the
deed by the other.
B) If your humans don't let you into the
bedroom at night, make them suffer for it.
Even if they give you a nice warm room of
your own to sleep in at night, with a
catflap to the outside world, that just
isn't good enough. There are several ways of
registering your disapproval.
a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in.
After all, the humans don't sleep in it, so
why should you?
b) Fight noisily with other cats in the
neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom
window. Make sure that you appear in the
morning with as many fresh scars as
possible. Spend some time perfecting an
aggrieved "Well, I wouldn't have all these
injuries if you only let me sleep in the
bedroom at night" expression.
c) When they finally rise and take a shower
or a bath, locate the appropriate drain pipe
and yowl up it. That amplified and
disembodied "Meow" is sure to surprise them,
as is the length of time you can do this
without getting hoarse.
d) When they finally come downstairs, and
call for you, refuse to use the catflap to
enter the house. There's a perfectly good
front door they can open. Of course, if they
should anticipate you by opening the front
door and calling, ignore them. You should
only appear by the front door and yowl once
they've closed it again.
5. Play
This is an important part of your life. Get
enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh
for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
several favourite cat games that you can
play. It is important though to maintain
one's Dignity at all times. If you should
have an accident during play, such as
falling off a chair, immediately wash a part
of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do
that!" It fools those humans every time.
5.1 Games
a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you
believe that those lumps under the covers
are their feet and hands. They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be
the most delicious of all the mice in the
world, though no cat has ever been able to
catch one. Rumour also has it that only the
most ferocious attack can stun them long
enough for you to dive under the covers to
get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to
taste the Bed Mouse!
b) "King of the Hill": This game must be
played with at least one other cat. The
more, the merrier! One or both of the
sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be
defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes. This game allows for the
development of unusual tactics as one must
take the unstable playing theatre into
account.
Warning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess
will result in expulsion from the bed and
possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans
grow restless, immediately begin purring and
cuddle up to them. This should buy you some
time until they fall asleep again. If one
happens to be on a human when this occurs,
this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of
the Light Brigade"): Obviously this game
also requires two or more cats, and may
include a dog as well. One cat is "it". The
other(s) chase him around the apartment
until they catch up to him. Then follows the
"Scrum", after which the cat who caught the
other becomes "it" and is chased around.
Great fun, but has the greatest potential
for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as
the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted
Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation
occurs, all feline participants must
immediately wash themselves. Dogs are
generally too stupid to do this and may
continue to play. In this case, the dog
automatically becomes "it" and should be
subjected to the Pileup.
d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in
the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking
Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is
artfully attached to the wall so that it can
spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse.
When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will
spin frantically as it tries to escape from
you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of
fright and stops spinning. But that's OK
because you now have a great new toy to
pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of
the game is to make the angry human believe
that the other cat did it. This is related
to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which
you try to make it look like a blizzard has
occurred in the room. You can track shreds
all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be
warned that this variant often results in
the coming of the Vacuum Monster.
e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball
or stick that humans throw, take it back to
them, and continue doing this until they
drop. As established earlier, dogs are not
bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for
its human, but if the human persists in
continually throwing the ball away, assume
that the human truly does not want it, and
leave it.
f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can
play. The game begins when the referees go
to bed. The player runs to the bowl where
the dry cat food is kept, and executes a
"place-kick." The player does this by
attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl
with a paw. Using the nose and tongue
("heading") is allowed, but this is
considered bad form. Often the bowl must be
tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble
is out of the bowl and in play, the player
proceeds to bat it around the room as
quickly as possible. This is accomplished
with short alternating swipes with the front
paws, running behind it as it moves (this is
also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the
kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two
walls, the player must attempt to put it
back into play with a "corner kick."
If the kibble is still on the playing field
after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a
point. She is then allowed to eat the
kibble, after which she returns to the bowl
to put the next one into play. No points are
awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of
the playing area (under the stove, behind
the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for
the cockroaches, and other spectators. The
player must put a new kibble into play.
For equipment, any dry kibble will work,
although Science Diet round kibbles roll
particularly well. The referees control the
pace of the game by waking up (usually after
the first few points have been scored) and
imposing obstacles between the player and
the kibbles. The referees do this by placing
covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl
on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise
hiding it. An advanced player is measured by
the degree of ingenuity displayed in
overcoming the obstacles between herself and
the kibbles and resuming the game.
The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten
or out of the playing field, or when a
referee puts the player in the penalty box.
g) "Rumpus Raising"
Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the
hallways and over furniture at high speeds.
Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt
noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off
limits during the daytime makes great
springboards. (Even more fun with two or
more participants.) Important style points
are gained during this step. 2 extra points
if you get a yell from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and
activate them. Door stoppers that go
SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them,
wind chimes and blinds that rattle when
disturbed, and loose objects that go thud
when they hit the carpet are best. Technical
points are awarded in this step. The more
complex the device the better. 5 points for
knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP
BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise.
Glassware and remote controls are useful
here. It might be beneficial to slightly
open the judges' door before this step.
Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish
when the judges storm into room and turn on
the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good
form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets
blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges
stub, trip or completely fall over the
objects knocked over!
h) "Skiing"
This game is played when your human has the
newspaper lying on the floor for reading.
Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at
full speed, leap onto the paper and see how
far you can slide. The slippery
advertisements are best for this. This game
is even more fun if your human is unaware
that you are going to play. It can be
followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse"
(newspaper variant). It can also be played
on throw rugs.
5.2 Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a
human tries to confiscate it, this means
that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the
bed. Look suitably outraged when the human
grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch
where it is put so you can steal it later.
Two reliable sources of toys are dresser
tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed
several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches
or coins should be hidden so that the other
cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They
are generally good for playing hockey with
on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as
shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental
floss also make excellent toys. They are
favourites of humans who like to drag them
across the floor for us to pounce on. When a
string is dragged under a newspaper or throw
rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
Mouse and should be killed at all costs.
Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and
will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note
that playing with shoelaces when the human
is trying to tie them is another form of
Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.
They are small and camouflaged to be the
same colour as the bag, so they are hard to
see, but you can easily hear the crinkling
noises they make as they scurry around the
bag. Anything, up to and including shredding
the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any
other cat you may find in a bag hunting for
Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack,
which will usually result in a great Tag
match.
d) Ignore anything that appears to be a
store-bought cat toy. After all, in the old
days, cats had to fashion their own toys.
Store-bought toys are an affront to a "real"
cat.
6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)
It is well known that humans are incapable
of performing even the simplest of tasks
without feline supervision and/or
assistance. This supervision is absurdly
known by the humans as "hampering". If one
of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and any others are idle, stay with
the busy one. It would take a large book to
describe all of the activities which need to
be supervised, so only a condensed list is
presented below.
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind
the left heel of the cook. You cannot be
seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and
comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the
chin, between eyes and book, unless you can
lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie
on the work in the most appropriate manner
so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at
least the most important part. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap
the pencil or knitting needles. The worker
may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make
great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly
activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in
mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the
paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your
ability. After being removed for the second
time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off
the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in
front of him/her, be sure to jump at the
back of the paper. They love surprises.
f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as
close as possible in front of the human,
especially: on stairs; when they have
something in their arms; in the dark; and
when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.
g) Always sleep on the human at night so
s/he cannot move around.
h) When a human is attempting to "make the
bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle,
or pounce on the sheet the human is trying
to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore
you by covering you with the sheets, move
around and try to mess things up. Protest
loudly when you're evicted.
i) Laundry presents many opportunities to
hamper (hence the other name for the laundry
basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh
from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is
warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the
bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap.
If the human removes you, keep returning
until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now
it's play time. Pounce on anything the human
tries to move around for folding, especially
socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock
and hide under the bed.
j) When a human is working at a computer,
s/he isn't paying attention to you.
Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy.
You can easily obstruct the human's view of
the screen with your beautiful tail, or if
it's low enough, with your even more
beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is
always good for some attention as well. Pay
special attention to the keys marked "Esc",
"Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while
supervising your human, good places are the
keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with
the cord that the humans laughably call a
"mouse", or on the human's arms. If the
human insists on removing you from these
choice locations, there's always the lap. If
possible, while in the lap try to drape
yourself on one of the human's arms.
k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
1) It is considered bad form to lie on the
bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is
made for the human's favourite chair, which
you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or
who) is there.
2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or
clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie
on them to get your beautiful fur on them.
If there is a choice, choose either the
cleanest item or the item which contrasts
most strongly with your fur. If your human
protests, act cute.
3) It is also your duty to lie in an area
that makes your human contort to the
greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the
bed/couch with you.
4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on
the floor is preferable to just lying on the
floor. Newspapers are particularly important
to sleep on if your human has them on the
floor for his/her reading convenience.
5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers
your human the most. For example, if your
human is doing a craft on the kitchen table
to prevent your interference, it is your
duty to take a nap on the chair your human
would like to be sitting in. No other chair
at the kitchen table will do.
6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it
is of critical importance that you not
immediately go about your business. You must
either sit still for a time, washing
yourself to save face, or lie on the floor
to make your human feel guilty. If the human
cheats by moving your resting chair and/or
sitting in a different one (in a situation
such as the kitchen table example above),
you may be able to continue hampering by
jumping into the human's lap. If the human
has to get up to get something and dumps you
off, immediately occupy the chair and look
smug. Of course, the human will just switch
chairs or remove you again. This game can be
played for hours.
7. Scratching Posts
It is advised that cats use any scratching
post the humans may provide. They are very
protective of what they think is their
property and will object strongly if they
catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being
sneaky and doing it when they aren't around
won't help, as they are very observant. If
you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.
Sharpening your claws on a human is a
definite no-no! Some humans come equipped
with "jeans", which can be scratched without
inflicting too much injury. Attempts to
climb up them will result in further
attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you
wish.
8. The Vacuum Cleaner
This appalling Beast is known by many names,
Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally
pliable, agreeable humans will turn into
raging monsters while under Its influence,
running around the house sucking up all the
carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the
feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can
stop It until the influence is over and the
foul device is put back into Its closet. All
you can do is run and hide when you hear the
engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't
find you. On some occasions, however, the
humans are forced to open up the vacuum
cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from
within. This is Its stomach, and must be
destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not
worry if the human yells at you, for the
yell is really that of the Beast in pain.
9. Doors
To get a door opened, stand on your hind
legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or
yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered
an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in
and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Protest if the human uses a foot to
"encourage" you to leave.
If a human goes into a room, especially the
bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a
cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your
paws under the door to open it. If the human
relents, lets you in and then closes the
door, immediately demand to be let out. If
the human lets you out and closes the door,
immediately demand to be let in again. This
is especially fun when it's the bathroom and
there are guests. This game can be played
until the human wises up and hoses you with
a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash
yourself, to pretend that the assault on
your Dignity didn't happen.
Sometimes doors can be opened by cats
without the aid of humans. Such doors must
be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate
within at any time. Swinging doors are to be
avoided at all costs; their nickname
"Tail-Biter" tells it all.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such
as a closet door, is opened, you must
immediately rush in to investigate to see if
anything has changed since the last time you
were in there. Resist the human's attempts
to remove you before you have completed your
investigation. Protest loudly when the human
removes you anyways.
10. Humans
Humans have three primary functions: to feed
us, to play with and give attention to us,
and to clean the litter box. It is important
to maintain one's Dignity when around humans
so that they will not forget who is the
master of the house.
One way to keep your human healthy is
through agility training. You can do this by
running ahead of your human, maintaining a
distance of about one and a half of the
human's paces, and suddenly stopping to
clean yourself. If the human doesn't trip
over or boot you (a very real hazard,
especially from beginner humans), s/he is
fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in
his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is
that the sight of the human will be very
amusing and you can share the experience
with your friends on the back fence.
10.1 Waking Them Up
It is not known why humans like to sleep
when it gets dark, just when the day is
young and the masters of the house are fresh
and ready for play. It is known, however,
that sleeping humans are boring to be around
and that they occasionally must be roused to
attend to our needs, such as to get fresh
food or water or to retrieve a toy that was
batted under the sofa. Almost all of them
strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in
their so-called "wee hours". Some will even
pretend to be asleep even when we know
they're not, hoping we'll give up and go
away. Persistence is the key to success in
any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a
dormant human is the "direct approach",
namely jumping on the bed and doing one or
more of the following: trampling, licking
and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring,
meowing, head-butting, light taps on the
eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of
the Hill". This may only result in your
being ejected from the bed, but at least you
now have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have
to resort to more drastic tactics, such as
ripping down posters, rattling blinds,
knocking over and looting a wastebasket,
knocking items off the dresser, singing at
the top of your voice, or even curling up on
the human's head (often the only visible
part). As well as being warm, in this way
you will be aware of any movement made by
the human, probably even before he is aware
of it. You will be unlikely to wait for
long. Another effective tactic is to jump,
walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where
the bladder is located. If the human hasn't
been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during
the night you can be sure of a rapid
response. Eventually the human will get up
and do what you want, usually employing some
bad language while doing so.
Warning: It is not advised to do this on a
regular basis. It will very likely result in
your being "banished" from and denied access
to the bedroom altogether, in which case it
becomes much more difficult to get them to
respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or
yowling may be initially effective, but will
likely result in being further banished to
the basement or even the kitty carrier!
Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own
in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you
are free to get him to do your bidding while
he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.
10.2 Mornings
In order to provide and care for you, the
humans must leave the domain every morning
(usually before you take your first cat
nap). To help them on their way, either yowl
loudly, massage their scalps with your
claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed,
knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on
them. See also "Waking Them Up". The best
time to do this is about 24 minutes before
their clock begins to blare or ring. We must
protect them from the noise because it could
ruin their sense of hearing.
10.3 Guests
a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats
the most. Sit on that lap. If you can
arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath",
so much the better.
b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against
trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts
well with your fur. For example:
white-furred cats go to black wool clothing.
Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other
cloth.
c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love
kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain,
apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a
quick nip on the ankle.
d) When walking among the dishes on the
dinner table, be prepared to look surprised
and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force
your humans to reveal that they tolerate
this behavior when company is not there.
e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything, just sit
and stare.
10.4 Laps
Undoubtedly the best way to get attention
from a human is to jump in his/her lap and
purr. Few humans can resist because it makes
them think you like them (which may even be
true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back
stroking: all these and more can be yours.
Some cats like this treatment a little TOO
much and acquire the silly name "Lap
Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden
opportunities for shedding; be sure to take
advantage of clothes which contrast with
your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately,
humans have the annoying tendency to want to
get up to do their mundane activities, like
answering the thing that rings or going to
the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this
disturbance with accusing looks and
plaintive meows. Some laps may require
"softening up" with a little kneading; just
be sure not to use the claws or you may have
an unexpected flying lesson!
10.5 Confusing Them
Humans (for the most part) love order and
predictability. They especially like their
pets to be predictable. So if you are in the
mood to indulge in a little low-risk
mischief, behaving irrationally is an
excellent option. The usual method is to
simply tear around the house at top speed
talking to yourself and perhaps launching a
frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If
there are two or more cats in the household,
you can take turns chasing and wrestling
with each other. This is usually good for a
shake of the head from the human, along with
"Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her
breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to
interrupt your passage across a carpet (at
whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical
leap into the air. Then continue on as if
nothing had happened. If you're skilled
enough, you may be able to convince the
human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the
house. A third way, which isn't quite as fun
as the others but which tends to get better
reactions from the humans, is to stare
fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV,
corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend
to carry on a conversation with another cat.
The humans, who may already be convinced
that you're from outer space, will think
you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter
People". If they start talking about mailing
you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off
this prank for a while.
10.6 Organization
Let's face it, humans are a disorganized
lot. They need constant supervision in order
to get things done right and on time, such
as feeding their masters, retrieving lost
toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in
keeping their masters' home organized. They
have to be continually reminded that things
belong on the floor, not on shelves,
bookcases, tables or dressers where
accessing them may be inconvenient for their
masters. It will be up to you to keep your
household properly organized. Feel free to
take items such as pens, buttons, waste
paper (such as the stuff they call "tax
return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate
them to better spots, such as the water
bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air
ducts (humans are always grateful if you do
this with tax returns). This should be done
when the humans aren't around, as they will
always interfere. When the human discovers
your handiwork, he will praise you with such
sayings as "Stupid cat!" and "You little
monster!" At this point, you should say
"You're welcome!" with purring and rubbing
against his/her legs.
11. Vets And Medicine
The vet is the person to whom your human
will take you when you are sick. The place
smells funny, there are usually other cats
and dogs in the waiting room, and awful
things like needles and pill prescriptions
will happen there. The usual result is that
you will get better, which is good, but you
just can't let those humans cathandle you.
The following are some tips for dealing with
vets and medicine.
a) Unless you are really sick, when you see
the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere
inaccessible, such as under the bed or
behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs
you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so
that it is difficult to cram you into the
carrier. If the human is trying to put you
in with another pet, try to allow the other
pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow
plaintively all the way down to the vet's.
If possible, reach through the bars of the
portable prison and try to claw the human as
s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your legs
and brace yourself against the carrier's
walls if you can so that they can't dump you
out easily.
b) If you are well enough, you must resist
attempts to feed you pills or any liquid
medicine. As soon as you hear the pill
bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist
attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is
good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit
it out, preferably by shaking your head
vigorously. If the humans manage to get the
pill into to your mouth and are still
holding you waiting for you to spit it out,
swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth.
Then after being let go, find a suitable
hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that
the humans do not find the hiding place, so
they think that you took the pill. Don't use
the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food
that looks or smells like it may have had
medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately,
humans can be really unfair and put it in
tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look
aggrieved after the medicine session is
over.
12. Illness
a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get
to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental
rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is
as long as the human's bare foot.
b) When you get sick in the house, you
should hover around the general area until a
human spots the mess. You should act as if
you are guarding the stuff for the human and
then quickly vacate the room.
c) If taken outside, you should take every
opportunity to scarf down as much grass as
possible (while not being spotted). After
ingesting a "critical mass" amount, whine
and scratch at the door to be let back in
the house. After entering the house head for
the traditional illness locations and let it
rip.
d) If the urge strikes at night when your
human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as
possible so that the human will wake up.
That failing, choose a location where the
human's bare foot is likely to find it. They
don't see very well in the morning and need
assistance in locating the mess. If the
human has neglected you by leaving (see
Mornings), cover the fruits of your labours
with whatever is handy, such as papers from
the desk. That way you can soil another
object besides the carpet.
13. Cat "Clubs"
When a group of humans who share a similar
interest get together on a regular basis, it
is often called a "club". Needless to say,
cats thought of the idea first, and some of
the cleverer humans have discovered that we
have our own. Listed below are the ones that
the humans have identified, along with their
names for the clubs; for security reasons
(in case this document falls into the hands
of a human) the ones they haven't identified
have not been listed. As with humans, cats
are not restricted to membership in one club
and may belong to many.
a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving
humans for the purpose of sleeping on their
laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her
lap becomes available and should be occupied
at once, after which time the cat can get as
much attention as s/he wants. See also Laps.
Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your
friend."
b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their
humans, giving advice and/or criticism on
practically anything they do. They are
convinced that given enough time, they will
be able to teach even the densest human how
to take verbal commands. Club motto: "What
do you mean, shut up?"
c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that
human food is God's gift to cats and that
the kitchen and/or dining room are the
centre of the universe. Anything that falls
onto the floor is to be eaten immediately,
and if the cat can contrive to encourage the
human to share voluntarily, so much the
better. Hopping onto the counter to clean
the plates or getting into the garbage can
to check for leftovers are both considered
acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is
the one who can do this without getting
squirted or otherwise "punished" by the
humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean
that!"
d) The "Elephant Cat" Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to
be more than one member of this club per
household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse
reason enjoy making their nocturnal games,
such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus
Raising" (see Games) as noisy as possible by
thundering around home and knocking things
over or off the tables, counters, etc. They
believe that half the fun is getting the
human to participate too. Club motto: "Did
you see the look on his face when..."
e) The "Bed Hog" Club
Cats who are members of this club like to
sleep in their humans' bed. Of course, in
order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some
room and it is often necessary to push the
sleeping humans around a bit to make it,
especially if there are two humans and/or
two or more cats. In households with more
than one club member, skilled cats who
cooperate can make the humans resemble
pretzels (which are great snacks, by the
way) by morning or even fall out of the bed
entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big
lummox!"
f) The "Early Breakfast" Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk
into their human's bedroom at some early
hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human
(see Waking Them Up and Mornings) insisting
on being fed. These cats believe that their
humans can be trained to be awake during
prime play time. Be aware, however, that
humans are stubborn and may instead lock
cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do
other anti-social things instead of feeding
them. Club motto: "Life begins after
midnight."
g) The "Door Into Summer" Club
This Club mainly performs its activities
during the cold months or when it is
raining. After a human obeys the master's
command to open a door and a blast of cold
air fills the room or rain splashes the cat,
the cat wrinkles his/her nose and walks
away. The ritual continues at each door in
the house (sometimes including closets)
until the human either kicks the cat out the
door, or decides to ignore the cat
altogether. In the first case, the cat must
bounce up to the window and squawk to be let
in while looking as pathetic as possible. In
the second, the cat must attempt to make the
human want to let him/her out. See Hampering
for suggestions. Club motto: "Just because
it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at
the back."
h) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These cats believe in keeping warm at all
costs. The best method is to lie right up
against the heating vent. Make sure all the
warm air is absorbed into your fur. Careful
grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad
dandruff problem. When the heat is not
running, more creative solutions must be
found. Caving into the cat bed, human bed,
or any afghan or blanket available is good.
It's best if the blanket was already mounded
up, so that the cat is completely invisible
underneath. As a last resort, curl up on a
lap or with another cat. Club motto: "It's
cold out there!"
i) The "Fraidy Cat" Club
To this club belong the cats of nervous
and/or neurotic disposition. Any strange
object or human is to be treated as a mortal
danger until it is absolutely it isn't
dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on
the humans they know, just in case. These
cats know all of the good hiding spots in
the house/apartment, including the ones that
humans swear no cat could fit into, and are
generally of little use to anybody except
when it is checkup time at the vet's and it
is important to be invisible. Club motto: "Yeek!
What's that?"
14. Bad Weather
Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow,
and/or excessive cold or heat, is always the
fault of the humans. If the weather is
inclement when the human opens the door to
let you out, back away hastily and try
another door. See also the "Door into
Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at
the human during this session. If all doors
have the same bad weather and you manage not
to get booted out, hop onto a window sill
and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then
try again in about half an hour.
15. On Kittenhood
Being a kitten is probably the best time of
a cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost
anything and get away with it because, as
the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so cute!"
Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth"
Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much
more effective than when you are full-grown
and "should know better". Even if you are
caught in the act of some mischief, the Look
can can considerably reduce the scolding,
and if mixed with the appropriate amount of
fake penitence, get you picked up and
cuddled.
Be sure to make full use of all your excess
energy by tearing around the house at full
speed, attacking anything that moves,
climbing the drapes, scooting across tables,
counters and shelves, taste-testing plants
and cords, and generally driving the humans
crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere
comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat
and continue the fun! You will quickly learn
that night-time is the best time for playing
because so many things can hide in the
shadows.
16. Conclusion
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be
taught if you start early and are
consistent. You will then have a
smooth-running household.
Page Animal Next Page>
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
|
|
Free Jokes
:
Link
Us:
Favorite
Us!
Visitors: