Adult Jokes - Funny Joke

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Room Mate Sex

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."

49. "That works better the other way around."

48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated"

46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!" 

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

35. "Bring in the Gimp!"

34. "Hold that pose!"

33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?" 

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you..."

20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."

19. "That's what you call erect?"

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

7. "Let's make a sandwich!"

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

Star Wars Sex

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

More Time

A guy and a gal were in the backseat of his car after having sex. The guy says to the gal, "If I would have known you were a virgin I would have taken more time." The gal replies, "Hell, if I'd a known you had more time, I'd a taken off my pantyhose."

Only if it's raining

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.



"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"



I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"



"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.



"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"



So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!



As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.



He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.



Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.



It wasn't that effective!



After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.



"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.



"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."



Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"



"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"



Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"



"Only if it's raining."

The horse rancher

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.



The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"



That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."



The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.



"A female horth."



He shows him a prized filly.



"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?



The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.



"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?



He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.



"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?



The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.



"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?



Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.



The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.



"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

The blind man

It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.



As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.



The second said what if someone should come?



The first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.



The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."



The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?"

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