Adult Jokes - Funny Joke

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

(.)(.) Nice boobs
 >>    pointy boobs
(o)(o) ample boobs
(O)(O) Ophra Boobs
(q)(q) Boobs with Tassels
(*)(*) Boobs with Paties
(O)(o) crooked boobs
(#)(#) edited Boobs
(C)(C) Boobs with big nipples
(c)(c) Boobs with small nipples
 ()()  Boobs with no nipples
(=D)(=D) Boobs with Penis's
(^)(^) Perkey Boobs
(X)(X) X-rated Boobs
(Q)(Q) More boobs with tassels
(-)(-) small Nipple boobs
[-][-] robot boobs

Why bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.

Murphy's Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

Safe Sex

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

Blonde Cooking

Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...

MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

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